Examples of Edited Ads, Headlines etc.

Below are some advertising items sent by some of my readers.  I've selected from several kinds of businesses (I have clients NOT on farms, too) to give you a variety of examples.  Most of my focus in this post is on two copywriting ideas that are most important:  Putting the customer first, and getting rid of extra (or ho-hum) words.  None of my suggestions below is the final word, there are lots of ways to make these ads sparkle.  But below are some examples that use good Marketing Principles (the ones that get you sales!)

1.  Connie’s headlines 
                         Connie's Custom Rug Weaving
                          Rugs...like grandma used to make.
                           Creations from your fibered rug yarn

My suggestion:                    

Pamper Your Feet with the Softness of Warm, Comfy Rugs...
...like Grandmas use to make!

 Put your own rug yarn to use in custom woven rugs by Connie

2.  Marie’s ad  (I have shortened some of it)

 

Too Good to Geld - Alpacas

 

Do you want fine fleece, beautiful conformation or a potential herdsire?

Do you want to upgrade your females with some great genetics?  We have

five full Peruvian (including one full Accoyo), intact males that need

homes.  Most of these alpacas could be used as herdsires, but for us, they

don't fit our breeding program because they are related to our current

herd.

My suggestion:

 An Easy Upgrade For Your Alpaca Herd
With Finer, Softer Fiber and Better Looks, Too!

There's genetics for both better fiber and better conformation in these five full Peruvian males.  You can get tremendous bargains because they are too closely related in our herd.  (then more details...)

 
3.  Nubian Milkers for sale

 

We have finished kidding and now slowly picking through the herd to make room

for the younger does coming into the herd.

HARD CHOICES... 

 

My suggestion:

Take the Guess Work Out of Buying Nubians Genetics!
Eliminate the risk of buying kids with these already-producing Nubian milkers-- because we have to make room for the new girls. 

4.  Anne's ad (she teaches writing classes)

 

Do You Long To Finally Get YOUR Book Written?

Does this sound familiar?

·         You have a new way of seeing an old problem and you're excited about the solution you've found because you know lots of people would benefit from your insights and ideas.

·         You have a story you want to tell about yourself, your family or something else, and you know it's a dynamite story that would be appreciated by many and probably teach a thing or two as well.

·         You've created a new business, or reinterpreted and old one and you want the world to know.

But...writing a book seems overwhelming!

My suggestion:

 Is Getting Your Book Written Getting You Down?

         Here is HELP— Whatever your dream book idea!     

To get the ideas clear

To get it organized

To actually get it written…

 

        
 5.  Justin's Headline (on business card)  He runs a Handyman service

Stormy’s Handyman Services

gets your repairs done right

My suggestion: 

Household repairs done right—without the contractor price

Licensed, Bonded…and Reasonable

Stormy’s Handyman Service

 

6.  Ann's ad, also shortened 

We've been breeding alpacas since 2003 and have grown with the industry. We have a few suris and do some little experimenting with mohair and alpaca fiber blending and such.

AlAnn Ranch Alpacas breeds hardy, genetically-diverse animals to thrive in our harsh northern Arizona clime, producing fine fibered, healthy cria. We strongly believe in the improvement of our USA herd health and genetic diversity. Herdsires include brown Enchantment’s Cerrillos, rose gray Magnestar, and true black Infinity’s Octagon in our Huacaya herd. Introducing Suris —  

 

My suggestion:

 

Get the Benefit of a Decade of Alpaca Experience...

 

...without putting in your own decade! Our ten years in alpacas gives you confidence, solid, innovative information and expertise that's invaluable.
(then continue telling the details...)

 

 

7.  Saanen Buckling, Southern, Oregon

 

________ Saanens is offering for sale: JJ's Dillon,  DOB: 03/09/2013 3 JR Grand Champions at his 1st show at 2 months of age. Heavy milk...

 

My suggestion:

 

How to Get More Milk in Your Saanen Herd

 

Heavy milk lines back up this Saanen Buckling, born March 2013!  (Quantify what heavy milk lines means with numbers).  As a bonus you get show-winning conformation to boot!  Dillon was Junior Champion three times at his first show!  (I borrowed this ad from a goat list)

 

8.  Livestock Guardian For Sale

14 months  old neutered male Great Pyrenees for sale. 

Has been with livestock since he was 6 months old.  Almost out of his puppyhood which is a definite plus.

 

My Suggestion:

 

Keep Your Animals Safe and Enjoy Peace of Mind

 

You don't even have to deal the the puppyhood problems because this Great Pyrenees is 14 months old and he's ready to protect!

 

Whenever you write marketing messages, ask yourself these two questions"

 

1.  Who is this about?  If it's about you and your stuff, make it about what the customer is hoping for.

 

2.  Are there words I can take out to make it easier to read?  Then edit unmercifully!